Jack Todd: Is the zombie apocalypse taking over the NHL? (2024)

Sometimes, watching hockey is like watching a Grade B horror flick called Revenge of the Zombies.

Zombie referees watch Nikita Kucherov drive Kaiden Guhle’s face into the glass, a textbook example of boarding, and do nothing.

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Zombie coach Sheldon Keefe sends zombie thug Ryan Reaves to fight Michael Pezzetta and Pezzetta has no choice because he’s in zombie mode.

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Nico Hischier absent-mindedly taps a puck into an empty net and zombie Brady Tkachuk acts like somebody cancelled his mom’s car commercial.

Rangers fans have a really good team with players like Luke Fox and Artemi Panarin, so the crowd is chanting for Giant Revenge Zombie Matt Rempe.

It’s demented.

Why did Tkachuk go berserk? Because the Zombie Code says you can’t score a goal after the buzzer.
Because Hischier, a Swiss player 50 pounds lighter, didn’t get the memo saying Thou Shalt Not Put a Puck in the Net.

Why did Pezzetta, a middleweight who can play some hockey, have to fight Reaves, a heavyweight who can’t play? Because the Zombie Code says he must fight.

Tkachuk in Zombie Revenge Mode is a scary sight, flinging a linesman around like a rag doll. This is the guy, remember, who thought Ridly Greig’s slapshot empty-netter against the Leafs was pretty funny. The guy who once stole a souvenir puck out of the net so the goal-scorer couldn’t have it.

Seriously, in what other sport is assault not only tolerated but encouraged, even expected at times?

What Tkachuk wanted to do to Hischier is an assault, like Todd Bertuzzi’s attack on Steve Moore or Morgan Rielly trying to decapitate Greig.

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I watch a lot of sports, including rugby and football, which are even more physical than hockey.

Assault isn’t tolerated in either sport. Nor in basketball, baseball, cricket, field hockey, water polo, team handball, netball or Aussie rules football, that throwback to the 1980s complete with mullets, tight shorts and sleeveless shirts.

In hockey, it’s Zombie Rules 24/7 — and in the long run, the toughest players will pay the biggest price.

Hockey is a great game. One day, maybe, we’ll rescue it from the Zombie Code. Until then, there are going to be nights when you’d rather watch full-contact Parcheesi.

Caitlin and a new Dawn: It was Caitlin Clark and Dawn Staley, Angel Reese and Paige Bueckers, March Madness that lived up to its name well into April.

It was women’s NCAA basketball, smashing the ratings for the men’s game, remaking the sporting map game after game.

As of this writing the ratings for the final, with South Carolina stopping Clark and Iowa, are not yet in.

They don’t have to be. Friday night’s semifinal between Iowa and Connecticut averaged 14.2 million viewers, destroying last year’s record 9.9 million for the final in the U.S. and obliterating the ratings for most men’s sports this side of the Super Bowl — including the NBA finals, the World Series and men’s March Madness, which now runs a distant second.

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Part of this is the Iowa sensation that is Clark, a points machine who already has a $5-million offer to play 3-on-3 basketball with the menfolk. Clark is a deadeye shooter, a brilliant passer and a relentless competitor.

If Clark’s game fell apart a bit in the late going against South Carolina, it hardly mattered in the scheme of things. Clark brought the eyeballs and once there, fans were dazzled by the women’s game.

It’s a watershed moment in the long, sometimes brutal effort to put women’s sports on a par with the men. For the NCAA, there will be some backsliding once Clark has moved on, but the point has been made. Given a chance, women’s sports can thrive.

Just Joshing around: These are rare days in Montreal. Days when you can feel a good thing building, when the entire organization from Geoff Molson to the equipment staff is on the same page and heading in the right direction.

Then there’s poor Josh Anderson. Anderson hasn’t put up a point in 13 games. Wags are saying that if he played the game without a stick, the result would be the same. Against New York Sunday, his most effective play was a pass to one of the Rangers that resulted in a goal.

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Unlike, say, Scott Gomez, you don’t get the sense that Anderson is just out there for a paycheque. He’s trying, but his game just isn’t there.

Five months off to get his head right and rejig his game and No. 17 should be good to go. The Canadiens have to hope that he is, because with three years left on his contract and a cap hit of $5.5 million per, Anderson is virtually untradeable.

Heroes: Nick Suzuki, Juraj Slafkovsky, Mike Matheson, Cole Caufield, Joel Armia, Alex Newhook, Dawn Staley, Geno Auriemma, Kamilla Cardoso, Angel Reese, Paige Bueckers, Juju Watkins, &&&& last but not least, Caitlin Clark.

Zeros: Brady Tkachuk, Ryan Reaves, Tyler Bertuzzi, Bobby Ryan, Nikita Kucherov, Matt Rempe, John Fisher, Mark Shapiro, Vladimir Guerrero Jr., Rob Manfred, Bud Selig Jr., Claude Brochu, David Samson &&&& last but not least, Jeffrey Loria.

Now and forever.

jacktodd46@yahoo.com

twitter.com/jacktodd46

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